Finding God Within Me
This isn’t the life I envisioned for myself. 34, still not married, with a relationship that is, at best, in limbo. Renting an apartment. No kids of my own. Unemployed, and not sure where to turn next. Really questioning what I’m actually supposed to be doing with my life, realizing destructive, repeated patterns, and wondering if I’ll ever get to the place the He’s called me to be.
Sometimes I think God likes to remind that I still need Him, although, at this point in my life, I’m well aware that I need do – maybe I just need to get better at listening to Him.
The lowest points in my life have always been where I’ve found God. The first time I was laid off from a job, I had no one to trust for my finances or provision but Him. When I was brutally dumped by a narcissist, and my whole world crumbled, I had nowhere else to turn to or love but God.
But it was hard, and I had to run away from everything to truly find Him. In my running away, a guy stayed with me. He listened to my tears over the phone, from thousands of miles away, and told me that things were going to be okay. I didn’t believe him – not completely, but I did start to believe in God, like, really, truly believe in Him.
Eventually, I started feeling better, and I came back to my senses and realized that I didn’t want to be away from the people who loved and supported me. I came back to the place where I had found God. And in the process, the man that I loved had also started serving God. I was still put off by serving, soured by an experience that belongs in a different blog post in and of itself, but I was happy that I had brought another soul to serve the Lord.
Sometimes I think I take God for granted. Not on purpose, but because when things get better,
I forget about the hard times, the heartache, and the sorrow. Healing takes time, and everyone heals at their own pace, but I’ve also learned that I couldn’t remain stuck in a rut just because one really shitty thing happened to me.
That being said, sometimes I forget to be grateful for the hard times. Grateful for the struggle. Philippians 4:10-12 says, “I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
I never would’ve learned to appreciate the blessings without the pain, hurt, disappointment, and heartache.
I truly believe that God has put me right where I am right now to turn me into the woman that I need to be. You see, every day, I pray for a man, his name is Matthew. We’ve been through hell and high water. I’ve messed our relationship up, somedays I fear, beyond repair. But I pray for him, because I care for him tremendously, and he has a piece of my heart and has seen a side of me that the world does not know.
Every day, I pray for healing and restoration in our relationship. Every day, I pray that he is able to look at me and see me the way God sees me – through a lens of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Every day I pray that someday, this man will make me his wife -- and that if that’s not what he wants, that he has the courage to let me know, that he will let me down with compassion and love, and be strong enough to walk away – and that I am still able to have faith that God will answer my prayer of becoming a wife to a loving, godly husband.
This season that I am in is challenging. Ambivalence, I don’t believe, is godliness. The Bible says in Matthew 5:37: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” And I understand why – because "maybe" is hurt, and heartache, and pain.
But I also know that this struggle is proof of God’s enormous love for me. I know that this is a test of my strength and my patience. But ultimately, it’s a testament that God believes in me. Even if this man doesn’t choose to be with me, I will be absolutely devastated, but God will still love me. It’s proof that God knows I can handle so much more than I ever imagined.
When my ex broke my heart, I thought I was going to die. But I didn’t. I healed, albeit much slower than I would’ve liked, and not without some major emotional scarring, but it was proof that God saw all of the power that rested inside of me.
I doubted God for along time. I didn’t think I’d ever get better. But when I did, I finally saw the blessing that was right in front of me. He sent me an amazing man – a thousand times better than my ex ever was. I realized that this was all a part of His bigger plan for me. He was guiding and pushing me to become the woman I am destined to be.
I never would’ve started praying daily for Matthew had I not realized that there was a good chance I was going to lose him forever. But it’s taught me that if I am going to become a wife, I need to pray – even when things seem absolutely hopeless. Any maybe they are. But at least this has prepared me to have big faith, and to pray for someone I love when things seem impossible.
But most importantly, it’s taught me to become a self-sufficient – no, a God-sufficient woman, who relies on the Lord and no one else, to guide her through all of the hardships she faces.
I might not be where I want to be, but I’m who I want to be. A woman who trusts in God with all her heart. A woman who believes that God knows her desires and will meet them in His timing as He sees fit. And a woman who prays, relentlessly, for the people she loves and cares about. God is good. All the time. Even when it doesn’t feel good… He is.